The Bore

At the beginning of every New Year I have my annual snark about ten things I think are overexposed, overdone, and, quite frankly, I am over. But when I was writing this year’s list, sure, there are some things we’re seeing a bit too much of, but, for example, do I want to see the end of renegade food vendors with Twitter accounts? Or pizza? No, I certainly don’t. So below is a somewhat couched version, kind of a “rant lite.”

1. Handmade pasta. So, I understand if you’re an Italian restaurant. And I’m the first to agree, pasta is delicious—especially the handmade stuff. But must it be on more menus than not? Why does everyone think they can make good gnocchi? I find I’m more disappointed than not. The last strand of linguine for me was when handmade pasta turned up as a course at The French Laundry. Basta!

2. And yes, let’s talk about pizza mayhem. Trust, it really is one of my favorite things to eat. And it sure is recession friendly. But it’s getting out of hand and crazy hyped. My rule has been one great pizza place per neighborhood, maybe two if they’re pretty different—and that’s it! Let’s pause on the pies.

3. Okay, I have absolutely no qualms to squawk about ultra lounges. Sure, they are somewhat effective in magnetizing the people I don’t want filling up my preferred bars and clubs, but come ON. This is San Francisco, not Vegas.

4. The insane line of people at Ike’s. People, WHAT THE EFF IS GOING ON? Are they sprinkling some shake on your Backstabber? Or is it the thrill of ordering sandwiches named Menage a Trois or MILF? I like Ike’s sandwiches, some of them are really really good, but the sidewalk scene on a Saturday afternoon just boggles my mind. It’s like an Academy of Art jitney bus dropped off a gaggle of starving skinny jean-ed hipsters. I’m not sure when to go to get my sandwiches there anymore.

5. I know some people are waaaay over the butchery of an animal carcass as a centerpiece for food events. (Especially the vegans.) But Ryan Farr rocks, I heart meatpaper, and the OPENrestaurant event at the SFMOMA was one of the most intense spectacles of the year. Discuss.

6. And here’s another complicated one: street food. There are some mighty talented people in this town, all armed and ready with Twitter accounts, cooking up some good vittles on the fly. And besides, this city needed more food served on carts, trucks, and, uh, bike baskets. But like Ike’s, the LINES of people for some of these vendors is beyond my comprehension—you’ll see people waiting for more than an hour for the novelty of taking a bite of flatbread while outside on the street. Really? I blame the media for the overexposure. Oh right, I guess I’ll need to take some responsibility for some of that. Duly noted. Next!

7. Okay folks, we’re officially in 2010. So wassup with all the music that still permeates restaurant websites? Whether it’s loud screechy singing, an accordion, or a circa 1998 easy house track, the only thing music on a website impels me to do is find the STOP button. Immediately. Trust me, visitors who are trying to cruise your site surreptitiously while at work will thank you if you cut out all the racket. Shhhhhh. Leave all the noise for your restaurant, right?

8. Wine bars show no signs of slowing down around town. And many of them don’t seem to like serving wine at the proper temperature, or leave the bottles open for too long, and still get away with charging $14 a glass. When I see “we have 50 wines available by the glass,” my eyebrow shoots up. Yup, there they are, just sitting on the back bar getting warm. I’m not one for additional bureaucracy, but I really wish there was a wine bar certification program.

9. There are enough places to get a burger around town, can we stop now? Where’s the beef? Uh, everywhere!

10. And last but not least, can we all take it easy on the cologne, perfume, and (most importantly) secondhand smoke? This applies to everyone: servers, hosts, chefs, and guests. I may like smoked salmon, but smoky server who just had a cigarette break? Not so much.

Okay, my little annual rant is done. Let’s get ready for a year of sandwiches, porchetta, and bakeries. Love and kisses!

1. I am so blowing the whistle on cupcakes. Yes, it’s great to have a few shops in each city, but we don’t need more than a few. And really, what is up with the LINES of people (mostly ladies) waiting at some of these places? Ri-donkedonk. Now, I would queue up for a true Parisian croissant… but unless those sprinkles on said cupcakes start coming from happy pills, the frosting on my cupcake is of an unhappy face.

2. Since we’re on dessert, what is up with all the salt ending up in my sweets? Salted caramels, lovely. Salted caramel ice cream from Bi-Rite, bring it. But when I start crunching on large flakes of salt in my chocolate dessert and suddenly need to order more water, I gotta draw the line. Please keep the monster flakes o’ Maldon away from my Madagascar chocolate.

3. You didn’t think I was going to skip fro-yo, did you? Hells no. See, it’s the exact same cycle that happened back in the 80s: too many yogurt shops open at once, the city gets flooded with fro-yo, and then suddenly every place closes shop and we end up with none. It’s a runaway train of fruit-named knockoffs breeding like rabbits. And hilariously, the City doesn’t even have a Pinkberry, the mother ship of them all.

4. Ahem on mixology mayhem. Now, I love my cocktails as much as the next boozehound. And we’re blessed to have so many pros in San Francisco who can make a spectacular cocktail—I dig the “kitchen notes” in a lot of drinks that make them pair well with food, or help my cocktail do double duty as an appetizer, heh. But more and more I find myself glazing over when my drink starts to sound like something I should be eating in a haute French restaurant, with a detailed description of each and every ingredient and the techniques used to make the darned thing. Can we dial this back to five, or six? (The hype, and the minutes it takes to make it.) Let’s get back to having the folks behind the stick be bartenders first, mixologists second. Which is why I am finding myself back on Manhattans. They’re quick, because yo, I’m thirsty. And it better not cost $14.

5. I know I’m gonna get some heat on this one, but the cocktail consulting thing at local restos also needs some reining in. A good cocktail list does not a good restaurant make. Yeah, the cocktail program reads great on the restaurant’s press release, and it’s all dandy during the opening when the startenders are there, but what is going on with those drinks a month or two later? That quality control thing is tricky. I’d prefer simpler drinks (see above), less fanfare.

6. This one is a cautionary tale: bacon. I totally dug the pigwich at Orson, and the bacon with apple and maple donut from Dynamo was an item whose time had come. But folks experimenting with bacon better stop acting all OCG (Original Culinary Gangster) because look around, everyone is doing it. Bacon is totally jumping the shark.

7. Ditto on poached eggs. Breakfast, it’s what’s for dinner! Not. I eat far too many eggs every week; they’re definitely going with me to the desert island. But man, can we take it (over) easy? Eggs are making appearances on dinner menus everywhere. Unless the chef is doing something really unique, like Seis Kamimura at Postrio, who is soft-cooking an egg inside a Wolfe Ranch quail, wrapping that puppy in San Daniele prosciutto, then deep frying it, and glazing the quail with a maple Banyuls vinegar gastrique—otherwise, can we just leave the poached eggs to the brunch places, truffle season, pizzas, and bistros serving salade Lyonnaise?

8. Large plates, but small tables, and even smaller portions. ‘Nuff said.

9. Communal tables, especially the big ones that are so wide you can’t hear your friend sitting across from you, especially with all the other people around talkin’ loudly. So much for communal. Yes, they are a clever way to seat single diners or a random group of folks who don’t have reservations, but find me anyone out there who brightens up when the reservationist says, “No, we don’t have any tables available that night, but we do have first-come, first-served spots at our communal table!”

10. Did I just hear that woman at the table next to me ask if the salad was local? Yeah lady, the menu says it’s from County Line Harvest, relax. The intense local / sustainable / organic policing that is happening at restaurant tables is making my head hurt. It’s like the Inquisition! These are fine questions to ask of your salmon, your beef, and your tomatoes during that pesky scare, but what’s coming under the microscope next, the garnish in your drink, and the chocolate shavings on your dessert? Why even eat out?

1. I love pork as much as the next guy, but all this pork belly nonsense is getting out of hand (and getting us fat).

2. I am so stanca (tired/fatiguée) of panna cotta and its rainbow of flavors. It’s like last year’s crème brûlée, and the cavalcade of bread pudding before that. Can I just have some pie?

3. 35 wines by the glass, that’s great, but do they have to average $12 each? Jeez. I’m back on the bottle.

4. Since we’re on wine, what is up with all the wine bars opening? It’s becoming a joke. We have a wine bar in each neighborhood, I think we can stop now. Well, unless yours is going to be really cool and you’ll serve killer wines in correct stemware and at the right temperature. (And pizzerias are coming up close on wine bars’ heels. We’ll be seeing them on this list in 2009, mark my words.)

5. Ok, this has become my biggest pet peeve: servers and bussers who say, “You still working on that?” What am I, a hyena gnawing off the last shreds of meat on a wildebeest thighbone? That phrase needs to be banished from restaurant lexicon. Be the change.

6. Hey, I dig salts. It’s why I have at least ten at home I like to play with. But offering four kinds on the table to sprinkle on your buttered bread, or listing them as an ingredient in certain dishes is, uh, trying too hard.

7. Why are open kitchens continuing to be a “hot” design trend? They are noisy, and there’s a lot I don’t need to watch (or see, yikes, you did not just drop that towel on the floor and then pick it up and use it again?). Unless it’s a gorg kitchen like, say, Myth’s. Perhaps bacar started a trend by covering theirs up.

8. Another thing cropping up in restaurants that pains me is flat screen TVs. Unless you’re a sports bar, I think they are ugly, distracting, and playing art house films doesn’t really constitute good décor.

9. Saketinis and nasty soju cocktails are usually so wrong. I’m sorry you don’t have a liquor license, but do you really need to create a list of eight saketinis, and for $9 each? Just do some good Champagne cocktails instead—and they taste a hell of a lot better.

10. It’s gotta be said (and it breaks my meat-loving heart), but salumi has become a runaway train. Some people know what they’re doing, but many of these entry-level efforts need to stay home. Just because the meat didn’t rot doesn’t make that coppa a success, and let’s not even talk about the fact you’re selling it off at $14 a plate.

What I Don’t Want to See More of In 2007

1. No more variations on tuna tartare. Basta, please.

2. Enough with the silly amuse bouches. Unless you’re busting out something special or exquisite, say, with caviar. Otherwise, I am no longer amused.

3. Will the tyranny of crème brûlée flavored with [insert trendy ingredient here, from tea to yuzu] ever stop? And the mini trios of them, lord help me. Oh, and let’s not forget bread pudding. It’s become the new flourless chocolate cake.

4. Pinot Noir. Yes, it’s a lovely varietal that pairs wonderfully with food, but I say be a contrarian and start ordering Merlot like a maniac.

5. Bottle service. ‘Nuff said.

6. While we’re on booze, will everyone lay off the Fernet abuse already? Try something new, like Averna, or even Amaro Montenegro.

7. Truffle oil. Don’t even get me started.

8. Kobe beef. Unless that steak tartare or 6 oz. filet is $150 and it’s really from Kobe, it’s just Wagyu, or Kobe-style beef, not the real deal. I wish diners and servers would stop talking about it like it’s true Kobe beef, because that Prada bag is fake, baby.

9. Braised short ribs. They’re almost like truffle oil in this town i.e. everywhere.

10. Hamachi crudos. Lemme guess, with yuzu, or a special salt?